The Story..as if there is.

Start of something new? It all started with a simple ‘hi’. Then a reply. Conversations that lasted until midnight. Days passed and I realized that I’m already consuming most of my time on him. It then felt as if there’s some kind of development on our relationship as friends. A feeling that is only understood by me. So stupid that I invested on that feeling. Thinking that it would continue and progress. My friends were always asking me about it, soliciting for some information and were excited to know the latest. I was happy to know that they are supporting me. My days were more colorful than before. Providing me reasons to wake-up with high spirits, and of course, to face each day with a smile. It was almost everyday that we talked about senseless things that ironically giving sense to it. It was maybe just the thought of spending time with each other, exchanging messages that gave meaning to it. Happy.

Uncertain. It’s more than a year now before I realized that I’m already being preoccupied by the thoughts of him. It’s already causing some sleepless nights just scrutinizing the real score between us. There were a lot of times that I thought of giving up. A lot of attempts of giving-up on him. I wonder where I got the strength of holding on, of walking and continuing the journey that brought nothing to me but bruises and wounds. But still, I stood up. I faced each day with a hope that something good might happen and that, it might be different this time. Hoped.

Determined. Some advised me to stop, while some believe in me so much that told me to go on. No matter how tired and how battered my spirit was, I still managed to carry on. Wandering while shedding buckets of tears. There were times that I got lost, but there’s a force that’s pulling me back to where I think I should be. Stupid?

Oops, wrong turn. The same thing happened on my every attempt of giving up. I always lack the courage of surrendering and facing my defeat, which, even from the start I already have no capability of winning. It felt like I am a warrior fighting for the wrong battle. I fought alone. I idiotically refuse to give-up. I tried my best to be invincible in the eyes of others. On that aspect, I tried to be a master of pretensions. I wore the best mask. And yes, I can say that I’m victorious on that. Even if the truth is, my feelings are already taking the toll on me; it’s deteriorating not only my spirit, but my pride as well. Best Actress on a Pretending Role.

Oh yes! I’m a great pretender. I blindly look at the unfair circumstances. Mutely shout for the real situation. Deafly listen to advices of giving up. And numbly feel the pain. A paradox.

Is there any? My friends asked me again of the story (as if there is). They raised questions that would make me naively answer them. And this time, they were successful. I then told them, “I might get tired, I’ll just pause and take a rest, but I will not give-up.” Caught in the middle.
Close to the end. But nothing, I guess, is permanent. Everything must come to an end, especially if it’s already too damn unreasonable.
At last. After the talk, I finally grasped the thought that I’ve had enough (actually, it was more than enough). I’ve done my part. I also realized that what’s happening is not okay. Worst realization is, I am not okay.

Kampaii! If you would ask me now how I feel, I will still try to conceal the pain. But will wait for you to raise the right question. Or, you might just want to sit with me with a cold beer ‘til I pour my heart out.
Not an ONLY hope. This time, my decision won’t be just an attempt. I hope, this time, I won’t be victorious in wearing a mask and being a great pretender. I hope, I won’t fool myself anymore. I hope to take a rest and eventually be ready and wise enough to choose and fight for the right battle.