favoritism?!

haynko.
bakit parang sa'yo na lang lagi nakatuon 'tong blog na 'to?
bakit ikaw na lang lagi ang subject?
friend, di mo naman nababasa..

oops..teka..malinaw sa akin ang lahat ah..

salamat na rin..

Ok na naman ako..

Medyo nakakasawa na yung ganitong set-up. Magbabaliw-baliwan, depress-depressan at kung anu-ano pang kaartehan. Pero, what can i do?! Ganon talaga eh. Parte na talaga siguro ng buhay natin yung ganon.

Medyo magulo pa. Marami pa akong hindi maintindihan. Marami pa kong gustong itanong. Pero baka nakukulitan na yun at lalo lang ma-bwiset sakin. Siguro siya din naman, marami pang hindi naiintindihan kung bakit ko sinabi yung mga bagay na yun. Hindi na lang rin siguro pa siya nag-aksaya ng panahon para alamin pa yung mga yon.

Pero..nag-sorry ako. Kahit na alam kong hindi naman kasalanan yun. Iniisip ko lang yung pwede nyang maramdaman. I was just too careful not to offend him. Na di ko namalayan na yung feelings ko na pala yung nadidisregard ko. Nagsorry ako. Pero walang sagot. Di ako sumuko. Ang galing ko diba? (o baka makulit lang talaga..) Ayoko kasing mawala nalang lahat ng ganun-ganon lang. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan naman ata kami.

Weeks passed. Depress-depressan pa rin ang drama.

The spirit is still there. Gusto ko pa rin sya makausap. Nagpapahinga lang ako. Until one time, I got some strength....again. Nakausap ko siya pero saglit lang. Inintindi ko na lang ulit.

Kinabukasan.. I don't know the reason why i kept on apologizing. Wala na namang sagot. So, hindi na ko umasa pang tatanggapin nya ang 'sorry' ko. Ganon nga talaga siguro noh? Wag mag-expect. Kaya, nagulat ako nang sumagot siya.

Well, di ko na iisa-isahin pa pinag-usapan namin. Ang mahalaga, kahit papano eh naayos na. Mas ok na pakiramdam ko. Lalo ngayon na nakausap ko na siya at nalaman kong magkaibigan parin kami.

Pero pakiramdam ko, may mga tanong pang nangangailangan ng sagot. Hahayaan ko na lang muna 'yon sa ngayon.

Salamat kaibigan. Sana nababasa mo 'to.

walang title..

hindi ko alam kung bakit ako gumagawa ng post ngayon.
marami pa kong dapat na tapusing trabaho.
pero, punyeta!
na-i-istres na yata ko!
baka form of relief ko na lang nga ito.
magtest sa smart.
tapusin ang reports.
i-check ang logs.
kunin ang hits.
mag-UAT.
at kung ano-ano pang gawain na sa tingin ko wala naman kinalaman sa tinapos kong kurso.
hayup!
malamang na hindi mo naiintindihan mga pinagsasasabi ko.
ako rin di ko maintindihan eh.
hindi ko rin alam kung ano uunahin ko.
kaya eto, pag-pe-prendster inuna ko.
hindi ko alam saan ako papunta.
ang hirap maghanap ng trabaho kaya kung sino unang tumanggap sakin, yun ang kinuha ko.
hindi naman sa nagsisisi ako sa naging desisyon ko.
pasalamat nga ako may pantustos na ko sa mga luho ko eh.
pero ang gulo talaga ng utak ko ngayon.
di ko alam kung ano dapat kong isipin.
sarili ko?
pamilya ko?
trabaho ko?
mga tao sa paligid ko?
o ang walang kwenta kong lablayp?

sarili ko? - - - -
- - - gusto ko mag-aral ulit eh. selosa ako. gusto ko ako nalang gastusan ng nanay ko.gusto ko ako lang binibigyan nya ng baon. kaya lang kung mag-aaral ako ulet, susuportahan kaya nya ko sa pang-tuition ko? o magtrabaho muna ko hangga't makaipon ako ng pera para mapag-aral ko sarili ko? pero nahihirapan akong mag-ipon. ang dami kong naiisip na gastos. hindi ko pa nakukuha sweldo ko pero may gusto na kong bilhin.
- - - gusto ko rin magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. mas malaki kita don. siguro sa canada kasi per hour ang rate nila. doon malamang makaipon ako. matutulungan ko pa ng bongga ang pamilya ko. kaya lang, parang masyado pa kong spoiled sa nanay ko. baka di ko kayanin mamuhay mag-isa. magluto ng pagkain ko. maglaba. gumising ng maaga. napakatamad ko para mag-isa. pero dapat kung gusto ko talaga magtrabaho doon, mag-ipon na ako ng pera. kaya lang hindi nga ako makaipon. ano bang pronlema ko??
- - - gusto kong tumaba. kahit anong kainin ko hindi lumalaki katawan ko. mag-steroids kaya ako? nyay! nakakatakot! baka magmuka akong payatot na kargador..yuck! nagba-vitamins na ako. puro kanin. tinapay. sweets. umiinon na rin ako ng softdrinks. at binabawasan ko na pag-inon ng iced tea. kasi pag puro iced tea iniinon ko, nagiging tambay ako sa cr. gusto kong tumaba para hindi na nila ko pinagkakamalang bata.

pamilya ko?? - - -
- - - syempre gusto ko naman maiahon pamilya ko sa kalagayan namin. di ako kuntento sa ganon lang. hindi naman kame mahirap. sapat lang. nakakakain tatlong beses sa isang araw. higit pa nga kung minsan. nabibili naman yung mga pangangailangan. pero di parin sapat. gusto ko magkaron kame ng tig-i-tig-isang kwarto. may maayos na sala. kusina. kubeta. at kumpleto ang parte ng bahay tulad ng napag-aralan ko nung elementary ako sa home economics namen. gusto ko every sunday maipasyal ko pamilya ko sa mall. mapa-spa ko sila. marami kong pangarap para sa kanila eh. sa sobrang dami, di ko alam uunahin kong tuparin. ni hindi ko nga rin maiyos buhay ko eh. mahal ko pamilya ko. di ko nga lang maipakita. mahal ko sila kaya ako nagkakaganito.

trabaho ko? - - -
- - - wala pa naman akong gaanong angal. bukod sa boss kong hindi ko maintindihan yung mga huling words nya sa bawat statement nya, wala pa naman akong angal. pero...bakit ba akong nandito? kala ko dati di nila ko tatanggapin kasi muka daw akong bata. halos lahat ng inapplyan ko yun ang sinasabi. eh ano magagawa ko? kaya nagulat nalang din ako nung tinext ako ng kaibigan ko. mag-i-start n daw ako. maskom ang tinapos kong course. pero bakit parang di ko napa-practice yung napag-aralan ko? sinasayang ko ba yung apat na taong pinaghirapan ng mga magulang ko para mapagtapos ako? sinasayang ko ba yung inutang ng nanay ko sa ibang tao para may maipangbayad ako sa tuition ko? eh yung mga hand-outs na pina-photo copy ko, sinayang ko lang din ba?

mga tao sa paligid ko? - - -
- - - hindi ko naman sila dapat problemahin di ba? kasi di naman nila ko pinoproblema eh. pero syempre, tao din naman ako. naaapektuhan ako sa mga ginagawa nila, sa mga reaksyon nila at pati sa pagmumuka nila. hindi naman ako henyo o perpekto para hindi magkamali, pero minsan nakakairita na makasalamuha ka ng mga taong wala sa bokabularyo ang salitang common sense. meron din namang wala sa bokabularyo ang salitang sensitive. walang pakialam kung nakakaistorbo na sila sa ibang tao. hmpf! basta. naaapektuhan nila ako.

ang walang kwenta kong lablayp? - - -
- - - kamusta naman?? ang sarap problemahin nito noh? ewan ko ba. hindi ko naman kamukha si bakekang. wala rin naman akong likod na katulad kay imang. o kaya malaking suot na salamin tulad ni betty. pero, buti nga sila may mga leading men. ewan ko talaga. sa madaling salita, hindi naman ako napakapanget. kung sa ugali naman, hindi naman ako kasing sama ni taning. si lopez? kilala mo ba yun? isda yun eh. gurami. di ko alam kung importante pa sya para sakin. pero, di ko naman masasabing di ko na sya iniisip. teka, di ko sya boypren ah. wish ko lang. walang anuman na namamagitan samin. kung meron man, ako lang siguro nakakaalam non. teka mali. ang ibig kong sabihin, kung meron man, wala nang hihigit pa sa pagiging magtext-mate. nakakaloka! ano bang meron sa text? dusko. mahigit isang taon na rin kaming nag-gagaguhan. pati ibang tao naguguluhan na kung anong meron saming dalawa. akala nyo lang meron, pero wala! wala! wala! pak! pero ngayon, wala nang lokohan o gaguhang nagaganap. di na kame nagtetext. di na kasi yata uso ang load eh. teka. masyado na yatang mahaba ang pagpoproblema ko sa walang kwenta kong lablayp. eto na lang. iniisip ko daw kasing hindi maging natural. ang labo mo!

haay.
ang dami ko na yatang nasabi. istres pa rin ako.
isa nalang siguro muna iisipin ko.
kung ano title nitong entry ko.....

The Story..as if there is.

Start of something new? It all started with a simple ‘hi’. Then a reply. Conversations that lasted until midnight. Days passed and I realized that I’m already consuming most of my time on him. It then felt as if there’s some kind of development on our relationship as friends. A feeling that is only understood by me. So stupid that I invested on that feeling. Thinking that it would continue and progress. My friends were always asking me about it, soliciting for some information and were excited to know the latest. I was happy to know that they are supporting me. My days were more colorful than before. Providing me reasons to wake-up with high spirits, and of course, to face each day with a smile. It was almost everyday that we talked about senseless things that ironically giving sense to it. It was maybe just the thought of spending time with each other, exchanging messages that gave meaning to it. Happy.

Uncertain. It’s more than a year now before I realized that I’m already being preoccupied by the thoughts of him. It’s already causing some sleepless nights just scrutinizing the real score between us. There were a lot of times that I thought of giving up. A lot of attempts of giving-up on him. I wonder where I got the strength of holding on, of walking and continuing the journey that brought nothing to me but bruises and wounds. But still, I stood up. I faced each day with a hope that something good might happen and that, it might be different this time. Hoped.

Determined. Some advised me to stop, while some believe in me so much that told me to go on. No matter how tired and how battered my spirit was, I still managed to carry on. Wandering while shedding buckets of tears. There were times that I got lost, but there’s a force that’s pulling me back to where I think I should be. Stupid?

Oops, wrong turn. The same thing happened on my every attempt of giving up. I always lack the courage of surrendering and facing my defeat, which, even from the start I already have no capability of winning. It felt like I am a warrior fighting for the wrong battle. I fought alone. I idiotically refuse to give-up. I tried my best to be invincible in the eyes of others. On that aspect, I tried to be a master of pretensions. I wore the best mask. And yes, I can say that I’m victorious on that. Even if the truth is, my feelings are already taking the toll on me; it’s deteriorating not only my spirit, but my pride as well. Best Actress on a Pretending Role.

Oh yes! I’m a great pretender. I blindly look at the unfair circumstances. Mutely shout for the real situation. Deafly listen to advices of giving up. And numbly feel the pain. A paradox.

Is there any? My friends asked me again of the story (as if there is). They raised questions that would make me naively answer them. And this time, they were successful. I then told them, “I might get tired, I’ll just pause and take a rest, but I will not give-up.” Caught in the middle.
Close to the end. But nothing, I guess, is permanent. Everything must come to an end, especially if it’s already too damn unreasonable.
At last. After the talk, I finally grasped the thought that I’ve had enough (actually, it was more than enough). I’ve done my part. I also realized that what’s happening is not okay. Worst realization is, I am not okay.

Kampaii! If you would ask me now how I feel, I will still try to conceal the pain. But will wait for you to raise the right question. Or, you might just want to sit with me with a cold beer ‘til I pour my heart out.
Not an ONLY hope. This time, my decision won’t be just an attempt. I hope, this time, I won’t be victorious in wearing a mask and being a great pretender. I hope, I won’t fool myself anymore. I hope to take a rest and eventually be ready and wise enough to choose and fight for the right battle.

uncertain..

I have this feeling that I’m clinging into something that is uncertain. To something that is understood only by me. It’s tearing me inside and is causing me sleepless nights trying to figure out where in the hell I’ve put myself into and where I’m heading for. I’ve cared more than enough, more than what I have expected. And the worst thing about it is that, I’m not sure if I should really care.
It’s like I’m filling a jar with water, without knowing if it’s already full or half-full, or maybe the jar has a hole. But still, I keep on pouring. I don’t know when to stop, He’s not telling me to. Whichever way, I do not know. I’m blind-folded. It’s tiring I know. But it seems like if I continue, the jar would eventually be filled, He’ll reward me and will let me own the jar.
But I have to deal with the reality. That there’s a great possibility that the jar’s just broken and that no matter what I do, no matter how much my effort is, the jar won’t be filled. I have to deal with the reality and ask myself to stop thinking of the ideal. Because it might, in the long run, just leave myself hanging into something that is so unsure, confused with the vagueness of the situation, trapped and preoccupied with the things I want to happen.
I have to make myself believe that the ideal would only happen in the dream I would never want to wake-up, that the ideal is just too good to be true. I have to deal with the reality. I have to move-on without looking forward. I have to dream and realize that I’ll soon wake-up no matter how great my dream is. I have to pour without expecting that the jar would be mine. And most of all, I have to stop figuring things out, but just let things happen as they are.
Yes. I might be encountering the same situation again, but I guess, by that time, I’m wiser enough to make myself more cautious. I know I will.
I hope I will…

where are you?

. . . I’m missing you. And I don’t know where you are or where I’ve put you. Could it be that someone has got you?